playhouse

a day is a playhouse of wonders
and nights, the plunder of a thief –
with stars and a sliver of a moon,
and glimpses of an unseen Neptune
bundled up, in a napkin,
out of proportion –

the paradox of understanding is that
it’s not deserved to be understood,

its smooth transitions from a muse
into a stalemate, never available
for scrutiny or viable visibility
makes it an easy target for this tense
turpitude.

we look at each other, hold hands, caress the ticking seconds
of the clock, this story doesn’t beget a climax of any sort –
semaphorism – as they call it –

of minds and hearts and innards that wobble
with the unprecedented movements of a distorted image,

a reflection is decomposing on the wall, a self is dis-
-integrating into half-bitten morsels of truth.

be it so – let the lights extinguish themselves into shadows.

.

Linking it up with Wordle#159 at MLM Menagerie and Tuesday Platform at With Real Toads

Considerations of A Guy Who Drops-out

Yes, I am the guy who drops out. I am the guy who becomes disinterested in what he goes ahead for with an ardent desire to complete and ends up being disappointed and despairing. I am the guy who troubles the minds of the concerned parents wondering what he would do with his life. I am the guy who makes quick decisions, precise and forlorn, and after they have been taken, ponder about them with a desire to find fault with them but being unable to do so, because he thinks that he knows that he was not wrong in making that decision (if that makes sense).

This is something attached to me since a while.

The first experience of dropping-out as far as I can remember was when I stopped going for my French lessons after a month. I had pestered my father to look for a French instructor and he found one. It was going good. I struck a sort of friendship with my instructor. I even lent a book to her. And finally, after learning(cramming) numerals, common words, some verb conjugations (suis, sommes, allez, est, etc.), the time came for sentence formation. It irked me. My teacher was quite impatient and I was quite reluctant. I mentioned that she was giving me a hard time. And I stopped going. And it was the end. I dropped out. But it was not of much significance because I was doing it as a hobby, sidelined from my continuing education at school. It was back in 2010 and I was in 10th standard then.

The second experience must be the time when I dropped a subject(an important one), namely

Mathematics, in 11th standard. I seldom went to school in the beginning, which made me lag behind others and in all the classes that I did attend, I was not able to understand anything in Mathematics. The rest was alright. The summer holidays began, and I thought of joining out-of-the-school classes. I went for one such class and the teacher praised me for my grasping power. But in the end, I just took the easier route by dropping Maths and taking Computers instead.

The much more serious events of leaving, began to take place soon after that.

I totally lost interest in my subjects, when I was in 12th. Yes, the high school was not a good time for me and it hasn’t become much better since then. I ended up dropping out of the school. It was in parts because of my alienation from everything and anything and the turmoil I felt within. I continued with my education next year(namely 2013) and got my high school/senior secondary diploma in 2014(this year).

The things seemed to be getting better for me and I joined a Hotel Management college this year for building a career in that field. After only a week, I wrote to a friend: “I am finding it so hard to adapt to the environment here. How am I going to continue for the next three years?” I think that I was quick in making an opinion. But soon, I tried to subdue my mind and I started to take initiatives to make it work for me. Bitter experience after bitter experience eventually lead me to drop out just shy of giving first semester exams. It was last month.

The things turned serious, didn’t they, from dropping a french hobby lesson to dropping out of high school and college?

And it is time for me to consider why I do undergo such experiences where I end up making such decisions to drop out and to wonder if I am wrong somewhere and whether I am in denial.

1. Yes, I have a tendency to make hasty decisions and I agree that we often end up regretting them.

Do I regret dropping French and Maths? No, I don’t think so. I was quite disappointed when I left The French classes though. Do I regret dropping out of high school, when I did? To a certain extent, I regret it, but that year proved out to be momentous for me anyhow, because it was during that period of time that I started coming to terms with the complexity of my mind and started taking my passion for writing more seriously. I began to understand the psychology behind my actions and that of others. Do I regret dropping out of college? I do not know for sure. I am quite relived as of now, but may be, it would take sometime for a thorough understanding of this decision.

2. I know the implications of such decisions. I am left behind and my peers move ahead with their lives. I have a great deal of spare time, which is not good, because inactivity only invites loneliness and despair. I am undergoing one such phase right now. When I join another course in the next academic session, my peers at high school would be two years ahead of me. It saddens me.

3. Why do I have to go through it not once but twice(I am counting the two major events)? It only makes me question my mental stability. It seems to me that I am a fickle minded person. I just can’t stick to one thing. I don’t want to think much about the high school because eventually, I got the diploma in the end. And it was something in the past. But this event of dropping out of college is something which is affecting me in the present. May be, it was so that I made the decision of joining a Hotel Management college without considering all the aspects of how it would be for me. I was wrong somewhere, if I consider that leaving the course was right.  It wouldn’t have been good being miserable for the next three years and continuing it just for the sake of getting a degree.

4. Am I in denial? No, I am not in denial, because I want to do something right, something that would be good for me. I want to make a good career for myself in the end. Yes, I am going to continue with my education and this time, I would like to choose something where I would feel comfortable. I am quite rigid when it comes to getting out of my comfort zone, which made it difficult for me to adapt and enhance my personality in the aforementioned HM course. And the best course in that case would be related to English Literature. Because I am both fond of writing and reading.

5. Is my future dark? I just can’t think too positively right now, because I am still trying to get over the events of the last two months. I don’t know whether I would ever find stability or not. I hope that I do.

I am still bound by some Hope

6. Am I going to waste the next six months(the time left before the beginning of the next academic session) doing nothing? No, I don’t want to waste this precious time. I have plans of joining a one month certificate course and I am thinking of joining music lessons in January. Besides that, I am looking for something to do for a relatively longer duration of time. I am not able to find anything good though, but I am still searching hard. The more time I show empty or vacant in my resume, the harder it will get for me in the future.

The Beginning is now, for me to take things seriously and to make worthwhile decisions. Something has to be done to reach to that position, where I could find some satisfaction in my life.

Awakened: A Very Short Story

To bury my hands in loose soil, so to conceal them and embrace estrangement, was a choice. It is always a choice, only brought about by a fate that leaves you skeptical about the spirit of human.

I have a furtive understanding with those in my surroundings, which was not there earlier. And now when I meet them, they know that unlike them, I have many worlds colliding with each other. And sometimes I am in their realm and at other times, I am hollow when I am somewhere lost in the worlds of my own making.

I visit them quite often now, if not in my physical self but then, as a reminiscence, clinging to a wall as they sit and talk, unaware that the sun faces another eclipse.

“He is a Ravana with the ten heads,” they articulate. I cackle, my 320 teeth glinting in moonlight.

.

Linked up with VisDare 65. It has been a while since I last participated in a VisDare prompt and it is good to derive inspiration from this amazing photograph.

Image source

On US Government, Discussing Hiroshima and Nagasaki Bombings

(Copied from Listverse comments section because I couldn’t upload screen shots):

Nuclear warfare has its uses though, without it, the US would have lost hundreds of thousands of more lives in Japan and a large scale land-war would be likely have erupted between the US and the USSR in place of the Cold War. 

Disagree with the first, but agree with the second. We would have just blockaded the island, without external resources Japan was ineffective.

While the “Cold War” was bad in many way, I agree the reason it stayed Cold and didn’t become a land based conflict is thanks to Nukes.

“We would have just blockaded the island, without external resources Japan was ineffective.”

Source?

And may I know your source as well(hoping against chance that it is not a biased article written by an American or an American-devotee like you justifying the atomic attack on Hiroshima and Nagasaki)?

I find it disturbing that the American citizens have come to accept what must have been fed to them by their dominating government, which still tends to act as a dictator of the world

“And may I know your source as well”

Here is one for starters:

http://www.pcf.city.hiroshima….

Though common sense should be enough.
You also chose the wrong place to vent your anti-American butthurt, may I suggest this website:

http://hateusa.narod.ru/

 

Is that all you could come up with? If you think I hate the US just because I am not an American, then you are seriously mistaken, my friend.

The latter link shows your ignorance that a person who is not a supporter of American actions can’t have an opinion. That is my opinion and I stand by it because my morality hasn’t blinded me and hasn’t led me to ignore the common sense that the atom bombs harmed innocent pupils. The propagator of Human Rights has wreaked havoc over the mankind since years past. US government “butts in” and that is one main reason that we are still living in such terrible times as a result of this Unipolar world order.

I would quote from your link: “The U.S. believed that if the atomic bomb could end the war, Soviet influence after the war would be restricted and domestically the tremendous cost of development would be justified.” Did the US think about the population of Japan because as far as I know and understand, the Emperor was not the embodiment of the entire population of Japan. Why was it alright to bomb Japanese cities to stop the influence of Soviet Union? Again from your link: “After spring 1945, with Japan in an extremely weak position, the United States was considering the following ways of bringing the long war to an end: invade the Japanese mainland in November 1945.” If Japan was already weak, then what was the need of even thinking about conquering the country. Did the American government want to satiate its blood thirst?

And for your kind information, I don’t hate anyone. I just can’t bear the mistakes of the US government which are deemed necessary by so many… just because it is the great government of USA, the world superpower. I have no personal ill-will with the country, nor with its citizens. 

” If you think I hate the US just because I am not an American, then you are seriously mistaken, my friend.”

You called the United States Government disturbed, “dominating” and a “dictator”. Hardly sounds as if you like them.

“The latter link”

The latter link was chosen as a joke to mock you, and should be judged with that in mind.

” If Japan was already weak, then what was the need of even thinking about conquering the country.”

Weak in this context means having lost all of it its captured islands, and some of its supplies. The entire Japanese population would have fought tooth and nail for every last inch of their island, so that is why the bombing was a better alternative for the US, but not necessarily right from a moral standpoint.

As to the rest of your comment, this is not a debate about the “morality” of the atomic bombings, I was only sharing with you what would likely have happened if the bombings had not taken place.


 

I know, you’re wondering what is this? Today, I got into a discussion about the nuclear attack on Hiroshima and Nagasaki on a nuke-related list on Listverse. If you’ve read my statements, let me tell you that I have made some wonderful contacts on wordpress with some American bloggers and I like them and respect them a lot.

If you think I am criticizing the people or nation of US like Nathaniel felt, let me clarify that I am actually criticizing the US government and its policies and actions and not the people. And here is my last reply to Nathaniel which I’d like all of you to read as well. I know, it has turned out to be a big post but it is significant.

Dear Nathaniel,

You still seem to dwell in the era of Ancient Greek when politics meant both nation and state and there was seen no difference between the nation and a state. But dear friend, modern political philosophers definitely realized a difference between the two. Let me specify it to you briefly:

A Nation is referred to as a group of people who are interlinked with a bond so strong that they feel compelled to stay together on a particular geographical area or beyond and support each other and they are frustrated,when separated or controlled by an outer force. Nation encompasses the psychological connection of people.

A State on the other hand is build up of four components: People, Land, Government and Sovereignty.

Dear friend, as a result of confusion between nation and state, you tend to forget the difference between people and government. I tend to love people of not only US, but the entire world and I quite dislike US government which you even mentioned correctly but failed to realize:

(Nathaniel’s statement, from above)

“You called the United States Government disturbed, “dominating” and a “dictator”. Hardly sounds as if you like them.”

Yes, I repeat that the United States Government is dominating. But isn’t it well known? May be the use of the word, “dictator”, was ill-mannered. I apologize because I was a little emotionally charged while typing my reply to you. Okay, I agree that I don’t like US Government.

Now let me ask you some questions, in context of our discussion as well as the tragic event we were discussing about:

1. With a silly link that you posted for my kind reference: http://hateusa.narod.ru/, which you later regarded as a way of mocking me, I feel sorry that the topic of our discussion was so comical to you. We are talking of murder of so many people and you tend to regard it as a joke. May I ask you, what did you find so funny about the points that I put forth that you judged me about my opinion and provided me with such a silly link?

2. First you mention that the US government had two choices: 1. Nuclear Attack on Japan, or 2. Conquering Japan by land. You provided a link(comparatively sensible one) to support your statement. When I quoted from that link provided by you regarding the fact that Japan was too weak and I further suggested that there was thus no need of trying out ways to punish Japan by way of bombing it or conquering by land as an alternative, you mention that, “The entire Japanese population would have fought tooth and nail for every last inch of their island, so that is why the bombing was a better alternative for the US”. Would you share your thoughts as regarding why was it so necessary to crumble Japan from within? The war was almost won. Was there really any sensible reason to drop nuclear bombs on those two cities according to you? According to me, there wasn’t any. There could have been other ways to make the Empire fall down and not the people. I hope you won’t confuse Empire/Govt. with people again.

3. Here comes the question of morality. When I apply my notions of morality in determining what I consider to be the common-sense(which you earlier suggested that I lacked) that the direct implication of those bombs was on the people, you state in the end that our discussion is not about morality and that you were “informing” me of what would have happened(as in the loss of life of a large number of people in the bid of US govt. to conquer the territory of Japan) if what actually happened(the nuclear bombs dropped on the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki which claimed many lives) didn’t happen. I ask you, why not? The society, the government, the people prod us to use our morality in our actions. Why shouldn’t we talk about morality in case of such a serious discussion? Was US government’s decision to drop those bombs a moral one? I don’t know of a specific answer for the second question because I have only read about in books. I was not there, then, at that point, neither am I a high scholar who is an expert of that time… but I am a person and my heart beats and it condemns what happened. That was terrible. And you have produced an ambiguous source behind your statements but that source doesn’t explain… why was it so necessary for the US to cripple Japan and makes me question if it was only a method of the US political leaders to declare their power, their dominance over the world.

* You may not agree with my thoughts but that is alright. I won’t “mock” what you have to say about it. Please do share your viewpoints because it would only add into my understanding and help me realize or further question, what was the necessity behind that action!?

** I apologize profusely for being a little too critical in the comments shared on Listverse. I was emotionally charged and that is all I have to say.

Being a Shadow

the luster of the day light dances in front of me,

and I try to catch it, only to find myself burning,

my skin turning into ashes, a tingling sensation

that comforts me, like rubbing my hands on silk,

only more real, more closer to touch, picturing

the black lines of my desire, of getting absorbed

into the world of no one, splayed onto the wall,

sensing the pain of being in close vicinity of light,

yet not being able to keep a part of it with me,

for I occur with it, without it, straying from it,

for I am a shadow, sometimes dotted with

the precious beams piercing me, but often

found alone, listening to your awes as

you look for your shape, your own self in me

.

Image source

Present

The present moment is something one must not forget. But one does, because one is in the habit of not fretting over things which seem unimportant but it is not so. A moment is everything, a moment is a a part of oblivion, a moment can save lives, a moment can bring about the very end.

Now when I think of it, the present doesn’t make any sense to me but for the reason that I experience it because I am conscious. The present moment is present for me because I can feel it. I can feel the second ticking in the flow of my blood. I can feel the whirl of the needle like the pounding of my heart.

But what if I was not conscious? What if I did not have knowledge about what all exists before me and around me? Would this present be of the same significance then?

Present is present because we are present. Time is time only when we can realize it.

If I die this very moment, it all would lose significance. It holds importance because we are alive, making it alive.

Such notions seem absurd sometimes but they are not so because these aspects of the universe help us in knowing, in understanding the significance of us, as well as the nothingness that we represent in the greater of things that are alive this moment.

This moment, I can feel it.. I am alive and so is this moment for me.

Present

* For Five Minute Friday.

RCC Goals for the Week

I recently joined the Rome Construction Crew which is a group of bloggers aiming to achieve their goals through mutual support and understanding.

As much as I know, the crew members plan out their goals for every week and at the end of the week, they check out if they have been successful in achieving them or not. Even if it is not so, that is what I am going to do. I know I am quite late but still, I would plan out my goals for this week now which are as follows-

1. Writing Goals:- (i) Write short-stories(ranging from 100-1000 words) and he usual poems.

(ii) Work on a book of short-stories, assemble the stories from the hard drive and those published long time before on the blog.

(iii) Try to find more about the freelancing opportunities.

2. Mental-health related goals:- (i)  Think about the future, without any anxiety and try to find out what I am going to do next.

(ii) Try to socialize; contact old acquaintances.

(iii) Try to speak minimum, because I feel frustrated later on if I speak more and try to avoid talkative people.

3. Physical-health related goals:- (i) Try to participate in physical activities.

(ii) Take a short walk every day.

(iii) Try to improve my stamina so that I won’t feel tired all day.

4. Reading goals:- (i) Complete reading 2 more books at least.

(ii) Read the poems by Poe and Sylvia Plath.

That is all. I know they are quite difficult for me, but I have to do something, right? I hope I will be able to accomplish most of these goals.

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