this imprisoned desire

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a touch was sought and received, whence
fingers gauzed out the remnants of cold
in the warmth of these props of decency,

hidden – the thumb traces the existence, index
paves the way for further exploration, the middle
is the spine holding the act together,

the little is cushioned, nuzzling its cheek against
its counterpart, the ring wonders what it would entail –

probing and prodding the story of our times, it looks
for answers where there are even more questions. verses
are spoken and heard, there are certain bits of activity
to bring forth those much needed bits of dizziness.

such is the nostalgia for the untouched touch – of lips against lips,
of tongue against the skin.
such is the nostalgia for an unanswered answer – of murmurs within
the ears, of words left undone.

I peek through my naked thoughts and find a glimmer of
hope, nostalgic of an unbridled news item –

yesterday, she read the fate off of my palm,
today, he caressed those solemn lines,
tomorrow, I want to make them both last.

.
Linking this hopeless reverie with Poets United. I hope you all are having a good Sunday.
Mine seems to be pretty dubious of its own existence.

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endings

“okay then, goodbye”:

stories have a tendency to end in the
most

cliched manner, as if they just can’t find some-
thinkg different, perhaps a hello at the end,

a promise of something that begins and goes
on still, but endings are supposed to be sad
all the time, many a time. Perhaps all I need

to do
is
to
never
let
stories
end,

and that’d give to me my choice of an ending
or no ending, a discrepancy of sorts in the end.

.

This is Poem # 9 for my 30 Days, 30 Poems Challenge.

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when attention demands tension

and by the virtue of a dying god,
I laid open some old thoughts,
and assassinated each one

by
one,

the blood spurred on my face, the
fates danced in my dreams, I saw
a night so young and delectable,
that I ejaculated my venom, rubbing
against its folds, my heart stung,

it’s a morning of blossoming
shades, lilac and violet, that I enclose

in my arms,

the winds whip my hair gently, the sun consumes
my face by its silent glare, fuchsia rings adorn my
brown cheek, and I decide that it is time to sleep-

my face upheld by the strings of the sky, mouth open
for hovering bees – there’s a certain kind of violence in it.

.

A fragmented and anxious piece for Day # 7 of my 30 Days, 30 Poems Challenge.

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(de)compose(d)

decomposing-
I see her face through
a veil of clouds, I touch
her eyes, against
my heaving chest,

tear after another, lining
my heart with the grievous
tendency of the dying tree,
left battered, uninhibited,
surrendered, to be guillotined

by the vivacity of this shore
where dead footprints walk the night.

decomposed-
she is a chance encounter in my memories.

decomposed-
I walk along the shore
once again. I see her,
in the sand between
my toes.

decomposing,
my body is bare,
bathing in the rain of
subsistence, that wrinkles
my skin into a tangible
thought.

decomposed-
she never was. I was.

.

Image Credits: “Decompose” by Zaldy Icaonapo

Linking it up with Photo Challenge # 85 at MLM Menagerie and The Tuesday Platform at With Real Toads.

This is Poem # 3 for my 30 Days, 30 Poems challenge.

Swallowed by Self

Pablo Picasso- Facing Death

a pseudo thought lulls the mind,
(a plausible artifact of decadent body)
release of reason, of ground reality,
I am the man of flair, a jackal
to create chaos out of this order.

I’m struck with a unison of doubts,
flogging the rope of struggle, I
am a hostage to light, to dark,
I have an erection of infirmities,
I lick gravel down my falling feet.

there is that verity shoveled down
my throat, bound by the cable of
dexterous dreams asphyxiating me,
hanging by the arch of a house of
callous cards, still swirling that
thought of misery, enclosing me
from my own voice, I thus grieve.

.

Linking it up with World # 42 at Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie.

Considerations of A Guy Who Drops-out

Yes, I am the guy who drops out. I am the guy who becomes disinterested in what he goes ahead for with an ardent desire to complete and ends up being disappointed and despairing. I am the guy who troubles the minds of the concerned parents wondering what he would do with his life. I am the guy who makes quick decisions, precise and forlorn, and after they have been taken, ponder about them with a desire to find fault with them but being unable to do so, because he thinks that he knows that he was not wrong in making that decision (if that makes sense).

This is something attached to me since a while.

The first experience of dropping-out as far as I can remember was when I stopped going for my French lessons after a month. I had pestered my father to look for a French instructor and he found one. It was going good. I struck a sort of friendship with my instructor. I even lent a book to her. And finally, after learning(cramming) numerals, common words, some verb conjugations (suis, sommes, allez, est, etc.), the time came for sentence formation. It irked me. My teacher was quite impatient and I was quite reluctant. I mentioned that she was giving me a hard time. And I stopped going. And it was the end. I dropped out. But it was not of much significance because I was doing it as a hobby, sidelined from my continuing education at school. It was back in 2010 and I was in 10th standard then.

The second experience must be the time when I dropped a subject(an important one), namely

Mathematics, in 11th standard. I seldom went to school in the beginning, which made me lag behind others and in all the classes that I did attend, I was not able to understand anything in Mathematics. The rest was alright. The summer holidays began, and I thought of joining out-of-the-school classes. I went for one such class and the teacher praised me for my grasping power. But in the end, I just took the easier route by dropping Maths and taking Computers instead.

The much more serious events of leaving, began to take place soon after that.

I totally lost interest in my subjects, when I was in 12th. Yes, the high school was not a good time for me and it hasn’t become much better since then. I ended up dropping out of the school. It was in parts because of my alienation from everything and anything and the turmoil I felt within. I continued with my education next year(namely 2013) and got my high school/senior secondary diploma in 2014(this year).

The things seemed to be getting better for me and I joined a Hotel Management college this year for building a career in that field. After only a week, I wrote to a friend: “I am finding it so hard to adapt to the environment here. How am I going to continue for the next three years?” I think that I was quick in making an opinion. But soon, I tried to subdue my mind and I started to take initiatives to make it work for me. Bitter experience after bitter experience eventually lead me to drop out just shy of giving first semester exams. It was last month.

The things turned serious, didn’t they, from dropping a french hobby lesson to dropping out of high school and college?

And it is time for me to consider why I do undergo such experiences where I end up making such decisions to drop out and to wonder if I am wrong somewhere and whether I am in denial.

1. Yes, I have a tendency to make hasty decisions and I agree that we often end up regretting them.

Do I regret dropping French and Maths? No, I don’t think so. I was quite disappointed when I left The French classes though. Do I regret dropping out of high school, when I did? To a certain extent, I regret it, but that year proved out to be momentous for me anyhow, because it was during that period of time that I started coming to terms with the complexity of my mind and started taking my passion for writing more seriously. I began to understand the psychology behind my actions and that of others. Do I regret dropping out of college? I do not know for sure. I am quite relived as of now, but may be, it would take sometime for a thorough understanding of this decision.

2. I know the implications of such decisions. I am left behind and my peers move ahead with their lives. I have a great deal of spare time, which is not good, because inactivity only invites loneliness and despair. I am undergoing one such phase right now. When I join another course in the next academic session, my peers at high school would be two years ahead of me. It saddens me.

3. Why do I have to go through it not once but twice(I am counting the two major events)? It only makes me question my mental stability. It seems to me that I am a fickle minded person. I just can’t stick to one thing. I don’t want to think much about the high school because eventually, I got the diploma in the end. And it was something in the past. But this event of dropping out of college is something which is affecting me in the present. May be, it was so that I made the decision of joining a Hotel Management college without considering all the aspects of how it would be for me. I was wrong somewhere, if I consider that leaving the course was right.  It wouldn’t have been good being miserable for the next three years and continuing it just for the sake of getting a degree.

4. Am I in denial? No, I am not in denial, because I want to do something right, something that would be good for me. I want to make a good career for myself in the end. Yes, I am going to continue with my education and this time, I would like to choose something where I would feel comfortable. I am quite rigid when it comes to getting out of my comfort zone, which made it difficult for me to adapt and enhance my personality in the aforementioned HM course. And the best course in that case would be related to English Literature. Because I am both fond of writing and reading.

5. Is my future dark? I just can’t think too positively right now, because I am still trying to get over the events of the last two months. I don’t know whether I would ever find stability or not. I hope that I do.

I am still bound by some Hope

6. Am I going to waste the next six months(the time left before the beginning of the next academic session) doing nothing? No, I don’t want to waste this precious time. I have plans of joining a one month certificate course and I am thinking of joining music lessons in January. Besides that, I am looking for something to do for a relatively longer duration of time. I am not able to find anything good though, but I am still searching hard. The more time I show empty or vacant in my resume, the harder it will get for me in the future.

The Beginning is now, for me to take things seriously and to make worthwhile decisions. Something has to be done to reach to that position, where I could find some satisfaction in my life.

a story circles seeking an end

the rise and fall of a dog’s paws as it leaps

through the night, beneath the chill settling

on the shoulders, the summer drawing to

a close, an ending of all that enraptured

my thought, the fire extinguishes again in

the pinch of my thumb and forefinger, time

seems to be turning on my path again, I

can smell its perfume, a plot of my dreams

a movie seen on the TV one lone morning

the past tingles my skin and I wink, repeat

the steps once traversed, crumbling beneath

soon the land will run out and a trench formed

and a true end that be, the black dog heaves,

my feet take me to places unknown (yet known)

ubiquitous eyes trace all that happens, that is,

the fates die by my touch, diffusing into the blurs,

I turn into an Effigy, the moon howls, dreams sleep

.

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The writer has the right to tell his tale in symbols.The reader has the right to see through those symbols as a part of his own tale.