Yes, I am the guy who drops out. I am the guy who becomes disinterested in what he goes ahead for with an ardent desire to complete and ends up being disappointed and despairing. I am the guy who troubles the minds of the concerned parents wondering what he would do with his life. I am the guy who makes quick decisions, precise and forlorn, and after they have been taken, ponder about them with a desire to find fault with them but being unable to do so, because he thinks that he knows that he was not wrong in making that decision (if that makes sense).
This is something attached to me since a while.
The first experience of dropping-out as far as I can remember was when I stopped going for my French lessons after a month. I had pestered my father to look for a French instructor and he found one. It was going good. I struck a sort of friendship with my instructor. I even lent a book to her. And finally, after learning(cramming) numerals, common words, some verb conjugations (suis, sommes, allez, est, etc.), the time came for sentence formation. It irked me. My teacher was quite impatient and I was quite reluctant. I mentioned that she was giving me a hard time. And I stopped going. And it was the end. I dropped out. But it was not of much significance because I was doing it as a hobby, sidelined from my continuing education at school. It was back in 2010 and I was in 10th standard then.
The second experience must be the time when I dropped a subject(an important one), namely
Mathematics, in 11th standard. I seldom went to school in the beginning, which made me lag behind others and in all the classes that I did attend, I was not able to understand anything in Mathematics. The rest was alright. The summer holidays began, and I thought of joining out-of-the-school classes. I went for one such class and the teacher praised me for my grasping power. But in the end, I just took the easier route by dropping Maths and taking Computers instead.
The much more serious events of leaving, began to take place soon after that.
I totally lost interest in my subjects, when I was in 12th. Yes, the high school was not a good time for me and it hasn’t become much better since then. I ended up dropping out of the school. It was in parts because of my alienation from everything and anything and the turmoil I felt within. I continued with my education next year(namely 2013) and got my high school/senior secondary diploma in 2014(this year).
The things seemed to be getting better for me and I joined a Hotel Management college this year for building a career in that field. After only a week, I wrote to a friend: “I am finding it so hard to adapt to the environment here. How am I going to continue for the next three years?” I think that I was quick in making an opinion. But soon, I tried to subdue my mind and I started to take initiatives to make it work for me. Bitter experience after bitter experience eventually lead me to drop out just shy of giving first semester exams. It was last month.
The things turned serious, didn’t they, from dropping a french hobby lesson to dropping out of high school and college?
And it is time for me to consider why I do undergo such experiences where I end up making such decisions to drop out and to wonder if I am wrong somewhere and whether I am in denial.
1. Yes, I have a tendency to make hasty decisions and I agree that we often end up regretting them.
Do I regret dropping French and Maths? No, I don’t think so. I was quite disappointed when I left The French classes though. Do I regret dropping out of high school, when I did? To a certain extent, I regret it, but that year proved out to be momentous for me anyhow, because it was during that period of time that I started coming to terms with the complexity of my mind and started taking my passion for writing more seriously. I began to understand the psychology behind my actions and that of others. Do I regret dropping out of college? I do not know for sure. I am quite relived as of now, but may be, it would take sometime for a thorough understanding of this decision.
2. I know the implications of such decisions. I am left behind and my peers move ahead with their lives. I have a great deal of spare time, which is not good, because inactivity only invites loneliness and despair. I am undergoing one such phase right now. When I join another course in the next academic session, my peers at high school would be two years ahead of me. It saddens me.
3. Why do I have to go through it not once but twice(I am counting the two major events)? It only makes me question my mental stability. It seems to me that I am a fickle minded person. I just can’t stick to one thing. I don’t want to think much about the high school because eventually, I got the diploma in the end. And it was something in the past. But this event of dropping out of college is something which is affecting me in the present. May be, it was so that I made the decision of joining a Hotel Management college without considering all the aspects of how it would be for me. I was wrong somewhere, if I consider that leaving the course was right. It wouldn’t have been good being miserable for the next three years and continuing it just for the sake of getting a degree.
4. Am I in denial? No, I am not in denial, because I want to do something right, something that would be good for me. I want to make a good career for myself in the end. Yes, I am going to continue with my education and this time, I would like to choose something where I would feel comfortable. I am quite rigid when it comes to getting out of my comfort zone, which made it difficult for me to adapt and enhance my personality in the aforementioned HM course. And the best course in that case would be related to English Literature. Because I am both fond of writing and reading.
5. Is my future dark? I just can’t think too positively right now, because I am still trying to get over the events of the last two months. I don’t know whether I would ever find stability or not. I hope that I do.
I am still bound by some Hope
6. Am I going to waste the next six months(the time left before the beginning of the next academic session) doing nothing? No, I don’t want to waste this precious time. I have plans of joining a one month certificate course and I am thinking of joining music lessons in January. Besides that, I am looking for something to do for a relatively longer duration of time. I am not able to find anything good though, but I am still searching hard. The more time I show empty or vacant in my resume, the harder it will get for me in the future.
The Beginning is now, for me to take things seriously and to make worthwhile decisions. Something has to be done to reach to that position, where I could find some satisfaction in my life.