the days of past
leave a certain trace
on the life’s mast
which is not always a grace,
they do leave a certain trace
which influences our future sail
which won’t always be a grace
because of the troubling gale
which influences our future sail
on the life’s mast
because of the same troubling gale
of the days of past.
(Poetic form:- Pantoum)
you know that feeling
when out of nowhere,
a thought comes across your mind
and you want to jot it down,
not because it is an important thought
but because something within you is urging you
to bring out the flicker of that light
that passed by the contours of your mind,
scribble it on a piece of paper
with a blue ink or black or even red,
keep on writing till the time
you have completely puked it out,
then store it inside a table drawer
already flooding with many such others,
place it carefully at the top
to be read some time in the future,
when you have almost forgotten about it,
one day you find it lying there lifeless, still
and read it in the light of the day
and simply smile at that cold thing from the past.
Well, its my birthday today.
I am now 18 years of age now but legally 17(boring story).
I have been in a grumpy mood today, trying to pass my time by sleeping. Certain old friends did wish me but that was a mere formality.
That is all.
Things have been alright with me, with certain stances when I lost my control over myself. But I am okay now but not so, because I confronted a glimpse of my reality a little while back and I guess it is time I must look at it properly and deal with it.. But I am going to delay it for at least 2 more days. I hope the reality cooperates with me.
I am done with my creative writing program and the results were quite fine in the end. I got to learn a lot with a chance to showcase my writing style. My final review stated that I have my own style of writing which is unique in its own way. I was particularly praised for my poetry skills, being stated that I have got the rhythm and rhyme one requires to write a good poem. So, I am done with it on a good note. I just hope it could have lasted longer, because it was something I really enjoyed doing. But I have to move on now.
I have nothing else to look forward to. I would like to start freelancing my writings, but my brain always intrudes whenever I try to set myself for it, speaking to me and telling me all the bad things about me. So, I am not sure whether I would even be able to contact any magazine/newspaper regarding it.
Like I wrote, I have nothing else to look forward to. I don’t even have my books to read; I am sort of going through a reading block, which I am absolutely hating.
I have no other course/program in mind that I would like to join. If I try to look for them, my brain shuts down, going to the self-hatred mode, asking me to wither away doing nothing. And then is when I want to cry. And it is something like that I just experienced now.
Even if I chose a particular course for myself, I do not take the initiative to join it because I don’t know how to ask the people who have reared me for helping me join that program. They are the only one who can fund me and moreover, I stay with them, so, they definitely have some say in whatever I do.
If you think I am an immature kid not moving out, being a pain in these pupils’ leaves, I think you’re absolutely right. I just don’t have the guts and moreover, these people are not going to let me go. It is complicated. May be I will discuss it some time later.
Regardless of all this, I had quite a few distractions in the least two days. Since the weather was quite pleasant, I went off with my sister to explore certain areas of the city. I had a not-so-good apple strudel with a vanilla milkshake yesterday and today, I ended up eating a yummy chocolate donut. It felt nice to see the happy crowd and now when I think of it, I wonder whether I can be a part of this crowd ever. Or may be I am a part of this crowd, but stagnant and a mess, staying in the way of the other people who are just passing by not even giving me a look of anger for standing in their way. I am not making any sense, I know.
I am going to back to my own city tomorrow night, back to the place I have lived sort of forever. Then, I would see what would happen with me.
Till then, I am going to be a smiling clown.. that is all.
I want to talk about my confusion in a quite frank way today. This confusion is the reason for difficulty in decision making in my life. Whenever, I come ahead to make a decision; this wave of confusion comes by and plagues me. I end up making a decision which is temporary which I tend to change at every next moment or sometimes I am not able to make a decision at all.
When I do not decide, I just distract myself away from the problem at hand and that problem gets even more problematic for me with time but I remain distracted with the distractions, I have come to love. And that is just because these distractions help me to stay away from confronting myself, confronting my truth.
Example- When I decided to drop-out of high school, I was very much clear about it. I made plans and provisions of what I was going to do with my life. But the confusion took its place in my mind and I remained utterly undecided whether to drop out or not. Whenever the wave of confusion would fade, I had to make a choice- the right one, that of continuing school or the personal one, of dropping out.
I am still confused regarding the reasons I dropped out of high school. My main reason when I came to this decision was that i was incapable of attending school anymore and I had lost any or all of my interest in the subjects I was studying.
What I told others was that I had lost the inspiration to continue the regular studies of the high school and I knew I couldn’t continue any longer. Even if they enforce me, I couldn’t do it.
Now what I am confused is whether what I told myself and to others was a lie.
I don’t want to boast but since when I started going to school, I was among the top-most rank holders in every grade; even staying on the top position in many of them. How did it come out to be so that in the final year of regular schooling or what you may call the senior year of high school, does a student like me decide to drop-out of school without any clear reason?
People asked me this very question. They encouraged me to continue but I denied them every time, even when I was myself not so clear about my own decision.
There even came a point back in January when I decided to give the final exams but later on that very day, cursed myself from thinking such things- I got confused and went finally into the shade of those distractions.
I am still not sure about any of it. It is too late now, I know- it has been two almost a month and a half since the exams ended but still, I can’t help thinking about it and then getting confused.
I am yet again confused. But I don’t want to distract myself anymore. I want to know the truth, which isn’t coming to me.
You know when I blame my losing my inspiration to study to others as the reason behind my dropping-out, I am blaming it on my depression within myself. And that confuses me even more, regarding the state of my mental health.
The question is- do I really deal with depression or is this just a way for me to hold the reason behind all my failures including the inability to complete high-school?
The doctor I consulted confirmed that I deal with depression but because I had a shitty experience with him, I never returned to him. May be things could have been better if I had. And now I am confused why I didn’t return. Was it because he was really a shitty doctor or because I thought he was not capable of dealing with me?
Confusion seems to have become the basis of my life. These are just the mere examples but when it comes to all of them, I become even more confused. Did I write this post just to garnish attention towards what I consider confusion or whether confusion really plagues me?
I have no answer… just confusion.