on loneliness

depression-5859313455e7e__700
can i believe my own empty sighs
when they appear too far and too little
between my symptomatic need for
despair and disrepair?

“be strong,” they say, “exercise your
agency over your adust remains,”

i wonder if wisdom lies in being aware
or being a practitioner of that awareness —

i, for one, seek redemption in verifying and living
the knowledge of destruction, holding it like
a cosseted corolla of memory,
that is becoming of me — a spoiled sepia-
sequestered detail in the possibility of
existence — a fierce idea without a fulcrum
to safeguard harmony.

“you are not lonely,” i say to myself,
but i do not know where it becomes me
and when i become an evidence to
breaking, and a splintered sensation
of nothing.

i am the last inhalation of smoke,
a testament to the fallacy
of my name.

after all,
where did loneliness surge & stage its act
if not at the juncture where my words trigger
an acid reflux, and transmogrify into aphanitic ash?

.

© Anmol Arora 2018

Image source (Falling by Clara Lieu)
For “How Does the Story End?” at With Real Toads.

 

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13 thoughts on “on loneliness

  1. I am impressed with the lines “I wonder if wisdom lies in being aware or being a practitioner of that awareness.” Very well written, and your closing question is a doozy!

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  2. Shawna says:

    “but i do not know where it becomes me
    and when i become an evidence to
    breaking”

    “i am the last inhalation of smoke,
    a testament to the fallacy
    of my name.”

    “where did loneliness surge & stage its act
    if not at the juncture where my words trigger”

    Love, love, love these sections.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. sanaarizvi says:

    This is deeply evocative. I can resonate with the feeling of despair and lonliness in ways I wish I couldn’t. There are times when we re-live past experiences and reflect at the decisions we made earlier on in our lives wondering if we could have dealt with the situation better/ whether if we could have chosen a different path… there are days when we wallow in regret and wish for time to stop running … this and so much more goes on inside our head as we go through life.
    Especially like the phrase; “i am the last inhalation of smoke.” Beautiful writing, Anmol ❤

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  4. Dear One Remember “alone” is “All One.” Have fun with yourself, who do you like best to be with? Who is the one you can always count on? Give it up, let it go…these are “big ones,” for me, but I do know, if I want to be sure of the one I am with, I am with myself. xoxo

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  5. I really like the opening stanza – the absolute wonder in those words, the phrases, and the subtle questions … and wow, admitting to the need for despair and disrepair ….

    and so the poem walks on, ….

    so often, there is a bit of wonder, mixed in a curious cocktail of withering disbelief, with a hint of dark sarcasm that stains these “episodes” — these periods when we are so wrapped up in ourselves, the restlessness, despair … and yet for whatever we may choose, it just doesn’t seem enough to yank us out of it …

    and then, does being “aware” … from the philosophical zen/Buddhist point of view actually confound us even more, throwing more shadows into the already murky waters?
    it can be pointedly very painful …
    and there aren’t easy answers …
    but sometimes, some solace and comfort does come, if one stops over-thinking, and actually gets “moving” … outside, and moving – with no one point in place of mind – as such, but rather, to just go and see, without trying to “be/think” or anything …

    hope you feel better soon Anmol

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  6. Hope you feel better soon. Being a loner, I can mos def identify with this poem but then, I am a loner by choice.
    “but i do not know where it becomes me and when i become an evidence to
    breaking”. I have a feeling you do know. I am a great proponent of moving, of taking oneself away from that self absorption. I know first hand the dangers of it. Get outside. Get into the wonders of the world. In spite of our pain, the world is still beautiful and full of joy.

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  7. Kerry says:

    You have an amazing ability to tap into human consciousness, and deliver a mood piece that astounds on many levels. Your final line is packed with power words!

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  8. Great work on this one! I found myself contemplating the first and last stanzas over and over again – there’s so much packed into this poem. What I managed to gather from it at least was that you’re questioning (and criticising, perhaps?) the idea of loneliness as a self-fulfilled prophecy, something that happens at the “junction where your words trigger”, something you can talk yourself out of by “exercising agency”. “I do not know when it becomes me” I found particularly poignant. As a side note, I really enjoyed the alliteration in this piece (“cossetted corolla” is a favourite).

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