a fire-play —
temptation, orange, blue,
many dawn colored hues,
rise with its remaining sighs
before my shuttered eyes,
gate-crashing the portal for
a bite-sized world,
lives enmeshed, unfolded
and tread upon, within
a singular blanket
of agony, of warmth.
days rising and setting
(the sea abounding
calmness) —
one page folded, two picked apart
to take control over the command
for a rekindled fire — scarlet,
sinful, still,
in tomorrow’s land –
singing my hair to a crisp,
narrow-tread – spiraling
higher and higher.
~
Some obtrusive rhyme there — I still feel awkward using them unless in a form. I have admired Ferlinghetti’s usage though; would try to be less out-there next time. For now, it works for me.
Linking it up with the Tuesday Platform at With Real Toads
Image source
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Even when your rhymes are apparent, and placed at the ends of lines, they don’t seem contrived or clumsy.
(Thank you for the Patti Smith!)
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Thanks, Rosemary. ❤
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My goodness this is good! ❤ The first stanza alone portrays a shade of moodiness and offers a hint of mixed emotions. Temptation is akin to fire, the nearer we dare to step the greater its consequences; but then again mistakes (and lessons learned) are what mold us into the person we are meant to be. 😊
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Wise words, Sanaa.
Perhaps a little bit of burning won’t hurt that much. Ha! We learn to toe the line or cross it when it’s necessary for us.
Thanks for your kind words, Sanaa. ❤
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Enjoyed the poem, and the rhyming seemed effortless and flowing. Loved it.
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Your rhymes are flawless. What we are is made by our decisions it seems. I don’t like it, smiles, but it is mos def true.
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I love the rhymes you used… but even more how you kept to the themes of the flame… the contrast you express with the colors are perfect.
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Your imagery is captivating and lovely! I read it more than once, so I could take it all in all over again. Wonderful writing!
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I am glad that you found the images captivating. Imagery is such a wonderful tool to convey the mood and the tone, perhaps being so apparent that it sometimes reveals more than what is intended.
Thank you for your kind feedback, Carrie. ❤
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one page folded, two picked apart
to take control over the command
for a rekindled fire — scarlet,
sinful, still,
~ I really like this part – actually, I like the whole thing together – but these lines, really stand out for me – especially the pages …. like trying to piece something from one, and then realizing in so doing, you’ve created two – sometimes, monsters, sometimes something of immeasurable beauty –
it’s kind of like watching fire burning – it has to consume itself in the hottest of colours, which is the pure blue – which has so many spiritual connotations as well … as a colour – anyhow … but you need the complimentary heat too –
so this is a swirling poem of colours, fire, sensations, and smoke for the haze and yet punctuated with moments of stunning clarity ….
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Duplication and multiplication can be a double-edged sword too — it may provide a way out or pull you further in.
It is through the haze that some things become apparent, something that we have missed out in the brightness of the light. I am thinking of a fire that burns itself to nothing, just ashen remains to be blown away, with no trace left. That’s how a word is, how a pain is.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Pat. Your interpretation is always interesting. ❤
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yes, that is precisely it – but then, most things in life, when you finally come to understand them, contain the double-edged sword …. but perhaps, the release comes from time in understanding, that everything is of a dual nature, or has the potential to be so, and labels don’t matter – in the end, it all cycles and recycles and continues; nothing is static; stasis technically can’t exist – it’s for the holding on that we create or co-create blocks, problems etc. And yet something always comes again, rises anew, from ashes, and dust.
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gate-crashing the portal for
a bite-sized world,… I’m pondering over bite sized world.. that’s it!! You found the absolutely right words!
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I agree that the word flow has the feel of fire – there’s something dynamic about the way you structured it and the way the distinct images flicker from one thing to another that puts one in mind of a crackling and shifting flame.
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I am glad that you could determine that from its structure. Thank you for an incisive comment, Rommy. ❤
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kaykuala
lives enmeshed, unfolded
and tread upon, within
a singular blanket
in such a situation it impacts on others freely to engage them in common matters presumably!
Hank
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Evocative images capture the mood beautifully. The rhymes in the first stanza don’t feel contrived at all. Great write!
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I didn’t find it obtrusive at all, I actually think it lent to the fire theme quite well. Description was spot on and I could feel the heat and singe…grat piece!
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I like “a bite-sized world”…
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Your phrasing is beautiful and the word choice makes the images all the more crisp and contained.
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