a Meaning behind a Meaning

to derive a meaning behind a meaning,

I try to realize, so to make a paper boat

of an understanding, and float it in flood

by the descent to that river down the hill,

against which I lean, plunging the edges

of a parchment on the lips, on the limbs

splintering every callow cell, tissue, organ

to create lesions of meaning I look for,

.

to see the meaning behind a meaning

that he tries to grasp by bathing in vinegar

thoughts, shunning away the common pain

of looking through the window at the abyss-

pitilessly waving at him with a coarse fabric

of his skin, of parched lips, and broken limbs,

as he mumbles a minutiae of a prayer, phonetic

words while beading the rosary of meaning,

.

we: he and I, merge at a destined landscape,

we grapple taking reins over each other,

finding in no way an end to achieve, but we

have the means to continue search for meaning

.

20th May lies ahead. It is much like an abyss which would embrace me even with a minute’s notice. I was a curious child and yes, I used to wait for that special day of the year. But the maturity that envelops you as your limbs are stretched, your cheeks are hollowed, and bones jut out of your neck, you begin to question: what does such a date mean to you?

When we are kids, we all want to grow up and do what the elders do but as we begin that “descent” from childhood to teenage and beyond, it becomes concrete that life, as we envisaged it earlier, is not as much fun.

There is a story behind every person, behind the growth of every person. I have narrated mine a number of times in the past and at its best, it is vivid but marked by morbidity of thoughts, of days, of life.

But this growth has inculcated in me a desire, to find a meaning behind every meaning fed to me. I see no end, but I have the means to make this search my end, my aim. I get frustrated as I try to analyze different facets of life and the complexities of a relationship that you have with yourself and thus, I begin to strive for an understanding. I look for meanings. I ask myself because the way to cure my inquisitiveness lies within me.

I tend to take myself very seriously sometimes and that is not required of me. I am an inconsequential being, with an affinity to use I’s, because I take myself seriously and that is not required of me.

20th May lies ahead. In my time zone, I have but a quarter of a day left before the three sticks merge for a second at 12 in the night. It is not a life changing point but it is marked as one and thus, I try to realize meanings, changes and the meanings behind them. After breathing so many breaths, surviving these many years, I can not touch upon a word to describe it all. And thus, I continue to look for a description, for a meaning.

And before you get tired(or are you already?) of my words, let me tell you what 20th May means to me. At the dawn of this day some many years back, I(I do tend to use I’s and I’s, but what other word would attribute to the seriousness I attach with myself?) was born. That is all.

.

*For Wordle #9 at MindLoveMisery’s Menagerie. Also linking it up with Open Link Monday at With Real Toads.

**And the depiction of 20th May is to fuel my desire for the meaning, and to keep on looking.

Image source

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23 thoughts on “a Meaning behind a Meaning

  1. First let me say Happy Birthday to you =) Life is not at all as we imagine in youth the freedom we expect is mostly an illusion because with adulthood there are new responsibilities and more insidious prisons. As strange as this sounds Sam and I were talking about how hard it is to find meaning in life as we get older the goals tend to get more vague and elusive and there is no concrete way to level up so to speak. It is so hard to know if you are progressing and if it is in the direction intended. Like is damn hard and I too take myself too seriously at times

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    • And you know when it gets worse… when you have conflicting goals and you want to achieve them all because you are guided by emotions, and not the practicalities of life. It is so frustrating… to be wanting to tear yourself apart and run in different directions.
      Thanks for the wishes, Yves. 🙂

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  2. I call it the meaning within and I look for it too. Your photo and poem encourage me to look that way and find words for that journey. It is my birthday too and my poem today is a snippet of memory from when I turned 5.

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  3. the quest for meaning is one that we grapple with throughout our lives…and it changes over time as well…our birthdays are def those when it comes to the forefront as well…happy birthday tomorrow man….

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  4. Often I find a poem’s structure is as revealing as its content, and I like how you’ve paced this one – the play with internal rhyming and alliteration, along with the placement of the commas gives it a sense of urgency – a quick free-falling feeling, a need to find that meaning, a desperation even…

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  5. Happy birthday HA, have a good one. You know we are who we are and we deal with the world around us is our own way. No matter what we think, how we try to analyse it our world moves on and I find so much I have to accept as beyond my control, so I control my one tiny bit and that keeps me relatively sane, i think!

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  6. Happy Birthday–as you get older, these are questions that you grapple with more and more I think–although you are happy to be here grappling–I love the paper boats. Take care and have a good day. k.

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  7. Well it is the 20th here now so HAPPY BIRTHDAY dear Anmol. A beautiful post and yes life and its mysteries, its complications, its diversity. Try not to think too heavily, free flowing – one day or moment at a time, or you will end up like me 🙂 Have a wonderful celebration.

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  8. Brendan says:

    Happy birthday, Anmol, thanks for being with us. Meaning-makers, well, make meaning, go three-deep to mine stubborn truths. Not the happiest of vocations and yet you don’t require a lot of hardware to be about it’s labor. And you can do it until you’re too old to think the way the world want you to. It’s good you know who you are. Now go pour an ocean of new meaning. ..

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  9. I was also a curious child. I had somewhat higher than average intelligence, looking back on it, but was convinced that I was stupid because I have dyslexia, primarily when dealing with numbers. I tend to be able to make sense of words contextually and am pretty good with spelling.
    Sixth grade was the year I was told I was borderline retarded because I have difficulty with pattern recognition tests and difficulty with physical balance due to inner ear problems. Puberty kind of messed me up for the rest of my life.
    Thank you for visiting Poetry of the Netherworld.

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  10. Oh, I am so sad that I am late to wish you a happy birthday, I hope you can forgive me and that you will take my good wishing to heart.
    The honesty, rawness and simply life, shines always from your poetry, even though I am sure you are often pushed into situations where it feels out of your grasp and unexisting.

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