Changing the tone of the poem – Two different poems

Lifeless… yet there

I want to be made, just a memory,

not concrete, just something abstract,

a play of the mind, real or unreal,

a question to be answered, but never been,

.

I want to be made, just a picture,

body-less, with nothing, to key the clogs

of a futile mind, left unacknowledged,

but for my colours grimacing at you,

.

I would want to be, just a single word,

you would sometimes, recite in your sleep,

having no soul, no truth, no reality to cope with,

defined by those letters, stringed together,

.

I would want to be a ripple on the pond,

in which you can see, your own distortion,

ignoring the worthlessness of me, the me

being left whirling around, in concentric circles,

.

I would want to be, the blow of air,

that comes by, to kiss your cheeks,

and you take it in, not having seen me,

being I am nothing but gas and vapour,

.

I would want to be, a single grain of soil,

undistinguishable, among many others,

of the same size, colour, and shape,

broken up into a minute existence,

.

I would want, to be the dew drop,

of your red eyes, unnoticed, sneaking,

surviving in your pain, I am lost

when you wipe me away, to oblivion,

.

I would want to be a thing with no life,

for life has betrayed me, much and I shall

rest, as that memory, sand grain, blow of air,

or eye pearl, ripple, picture or just a mere word

.

Image source

.

I wish I could… be with you somehow

I wish I could, just be a memory,

not concrete, just something abstract,

coming to make you giggle, when

life seems hard, and you need a good laugh,

.

I wish I could, just be a picture,

body-less, which you could keep,

in your closet, to sneak a look, in

the dead of night, with a nostalgic smile,

.

I wish I could, just be a single word,

you would sometimes recite, in your sleep,

no obligations, but a desire etched,

in those letters stringed together,

.

I wish I could, just be a ripple, on the pond,

reflecting all that, what you want to see,

through your own eyes, you can find,

your truth whirling around, in concentric circles,

.

I wish I could, just be a blow of air,

that comes by, to kiss your cheeks,

and you take it in, not having seen me,

an acceptance, of something pure and free,

.

I wish I could, just be a single grain, of soil,

unrecognizable, among many others,

becoming the ground, you pass by,

wishing you may feel, the feel of me,

.

I wish I could, just be a dew drop,

of your red eyes, unnoticed sneaking,

taking away your pain, as you wipe me away,

or I drip down to oblivion, and you feel safe,

.

I wish I could, just be an inconsequential thing,

so that I can, see you live, through my sorrows,

become that memory, sand grain, blow of air,

or eye pearl, ripple, picture or just a mere word

.

Image source

.

I wrote a poem(the earlier one) and it has a depressing tone to it, if you have noticed. Then, I thought of playing with it and I converted it into a romantic one(the latter one), with certain changes in the words and the tone of it. I guess, my poetic style has remained the same in both of them. The change has just come in its tone.

How important is the tone of the poem? How is it influenced? What do you think?

.

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17 thoughts on “Changing the tone of the poem – Two different poems

  1. Beautiful transformation of deep sadness and worthlessness in first version to one of touching someone invisibly in a way that awakens their spirit or somehow lightens their burden. Lovely…both versions offering deep insight into a different outcome of emotion.

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  2. nice…i still got the feel of the romance even in the hard bits of the first one..though def the feeling of being insufficient comes through clearly….i really like that picture you sneak a look at one…and the wind to kiss your cheek….you def convey the emotion in each….

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  3. Interesting idea/concept here, Anmol; probably worthy of a dVerse Meeting the Bar prompt one day. For me the first poem is the strongest; yes, dark, but somehow clearer, more empathetic. The single word is “Poet” by the way.

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  4. I wish I could, just be a single grain, of soil,

    unrecognizable, among many others,

    becoming the ground, you pass by,

    wishing you may feel, the feel of me,….great lines. Both well written.

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  5. I enjoyed both of them. I think in poetry that tone is vital. We work wit emotional concepts, often using concrete reality to portray them. Without tone, a poem would be flat I think. And we each relate to them according to what is happening in our own lives. For me, the first is more touching today because of the heaviness of what has happened in our community.

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  6. I (would) want has a feel of frustration to it; I want to be something that I can’t. I wish has a sense of hopefullness – perhaps my wish can come true. And I think that is why the second version of this poem feels more romantic, more positive, more uplifting.

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  7. Both poems are Romanticism–one in its sense of the impossible and the other in its touch of the supernatural. Tone makes a big difference. My feminist know-your-worth mind groans with discomfort in the first because one would cancel his/herself out for the other. Who could ask or want such a thing? In the second, some of that feeling still pulled at me, but I have some of that same romanticism in my bones.

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  8. I enjoy both pieces – I think it is a wonderful idea to change the tone of an already established tone. i should give this a try – I know I am a bit ‘tone challenged’ 🙂

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