What is happening with me?
What is happening with me?- I don’t know. I have come to a stand-still… I have been here since so long now! I don’t know where to go on from here on.. God damn it, I don’t even know how to move an inch forth!
I want to think properly about my future.. Have to decide whether I would be able to convince myself for giving the exams for 12th grade in 2014, a year further then when I was expected to give them.
But before that I have to ask myself whether I am taking my depression seriously or not.. and if I am taking it seriously, why am I not seeking psychiatric help? Why I am afraid of getting it? I think I know the answer to that- I am afraid of what people would think about it.. I am afraid that they would start treating me differently.. I am afraid my mental-health would get better and I won’t have anything to blame everything on. But why… I don’t know.
Everything ends up with the same conclusion- I don’t know myself.. who am I? I am not myself- this isn’t how I knew myself to be like..
And I am back where I know I have come to a stand-still.. And I am still.. not knowing what to do.. in pain.. but numb.. desolate.. mad.. crazy.. insane.. depressed..
Posted on February 16, 2013, in Me and my thoughts!! and tagged answer, behaviour, blame, come, conclusion, convince, crazy, decisions, depression, desolate, differently, education, everything, future, go, happening, help, improve, insane, life, long, mental-health, myself, numb, pain, people, properly, psychiatric help, questions, seriously, stand still, start, THINK, thoughts, time, treat, understand, what!?, where, WHO AM I?, writing. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.
You know sometimes you have to get to a point where you don’t give a damn about what others will think of you. I can tell you from my own experience that it can..and does get better. You have to trust me on this, ok? But you need help. I am your friend and would never lie to you! It’s ok to ask for help. You can do this for yourself, can’t you?
Depression sort of … sucks the will to get help out of you, Howie. I know this because a very close family member has stayed in a depression for many, many years. You must overcome this and get help wherever you can. And merbear74 is right – don’t worry about what anyone thinks. Take care of yourself. Btw, I’ve found free courses from some really good American schools that are open to anyone – and I thought you might enjoy going through to see if you wanted to take any of them. Get in touch with me. I’ve been thinking of you.
M.