I’m Just Confused
I am feeling confused yet again and this time, the reason is not related to my career, educational or future prospects.. I am feeling confused about my depression.
Now I am doubting the very fact that I am dealing with this evil and it seems to me as if it is the plot of my mind against myself.. it is deliberately making me believe that I am dealing with something, I am actually not dealing with.
You know why do I feel so?
In general sense, my mind tells me not to communicate with others.. and I feel frustrated and angry at myself when I do communicate with people around me.. I want to feel alienated and desolate afterwards.
Oh I am not making any sense…
The only truth is that I am not able to understand myself, not able to understand my depression or anything else.
Well who am I joking to?… God, I am of course dealing with depression. It took me so long(don’t know how long, but nearly about 3-4 years, as much as I know) in accepting my depression and now I am doubting myself.
I know I won’t doubt myself, once I start meeting a professional, who would help me deal with it.
But.. I won’t ask my so-called family that I need any psychiatric help… They either believe my depression is gone just like that after taking 2 days worth of medication or that I never dealt with it.. I was jut gone crazy when I told them about it. So I have been hiding everything from them.
I have come close to bring it all to an end a number of times, but I failed each and every time in doing anything. I have caused myself physical pain.. but I am not doing so anymore. It seems ineffective to me now.
Well, I am just confused.. so ignore my rant about the past and about my doubts.
I am just confused.