I’m Just Confused
I am feeling confused yet again and this time, the reason is not related to my career, educational or future prospects.. I am feeling confused about my depression.
Now I am doubting the very fact that I am dealing with this evil and it seems to me as if it is the plot of my mind against myself.. it is deliberately making me believe that I am dealing with something, I am actually not dealing with.
You know why do I feel so?
In general sense, my mind tells me not to communicate with others.. and I feel frustrated and angry at myself when I do communicate with people around me.. I want to feel alienated and desolate afterwards.
Oh I am not making any sense…
The only truth is that I am not able to understand myself, not able to understand my depression or anything else.
Well who am I joking to?… God, I am of course dealing with depression. It took me so long(don’t know how long, but nearly about 3-4 years, as much as I know) in accepting my depression and now I am doubting myself.
I know I won’t doubt myself, once I start meeting a professional, who would help me deal with it.
But.. I won’t ask my so-called family that I need any psychiatric help… They either believe my depression is gone just like that after taking 2 days worth of medication or that I never dealt with it.. I was jut gone crazy when I told them about it. So I have been hiding everything from them.
I have come close to bring it all to an end a number of times, but I failed each and every time in doing anything. I have caused myself physical pain.. but I am not doing so anymore. It seems ineffective to me now.
Well, I am just confused.. so ignore my rant about the past and about my doubts.
I am just confused.
Posted on January 25, 2013, in Me and my thoughts!! and tagged communication, depression, family, help, hide, life, mental-health, pain, psychiatrist, writing. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.
Keep reaching out, Ha. It gets easier every time.
Thank you, merbear.. I hope it gets easier..
Baby steps…
Most “families” haven’t a clue what depression is or how to treat it. Half of them have it in some form and don’t even know it. I’ll share this with you. I struggled for years with depression and sometimes, still do. The difference now is, when I feel it coming on I know what I need to do to get myself back on track. Most people haven’t a clue. They think you get up off the couch, go get an ice cream and you’ll feel better. Once you see a professional, you’ll start getting a better handle on what YOU need to do for YOUR depression. I capped those because this is for you and about you. Those who help and understand you stay close to. The others–well, there are a variety of phrases for what they can do and where they can go.
(and you can keep reading my blog. That’s like a Xanax and Zoloft in just a few paragraphs!! hehe.)
Wishing you well.
Thank you for your kind words.. You know what the problem is, if I open myself up in front of the people around me and ask for psychiatric help.. I will be treated as if I’m insane.. that is what happened when I first asked for it back in August- I was treated in a weird way.. I was sometimes made to stay in my room, not even allowed to go for a walk. Well, all such things did nothing else but became responsible for intensifying my mental strain..
So I would rather stay silent…
And yes, I would of course continue reading your funny posts for a quick laugh..
Love,
HA
It’s sure a slow process, I have been on the dark side and know it takes a lot to even start to see the light. Take care you, keep at it one step at a time.
Thank you so much for the encouragement..
Two thoughts: Have you been tested for Bipolar type 2? You need to be. Also, new studies on depression suggest that it is a reaction to an autoimmune process, either in the brain or elsewhere in the body. I have dealt with depression/bipolar since I was 12 and I have a lot of experience over the last 30 years. Feel free to talk to me. lorenepinkley@gmail.com
In my experience, family can hamper your progress, or make you feel a lot worse at ‘bad’ times. Sometimes they mean well, other times they just don’t care. :/
I have ‘cleansed’ my life of some toxic friends (which helped a lot)… but am finding family more difficult as I still have a big dependence on them.
Good luck <3
The same is the case with me… I am completely dependent on my family.. and that makes everything even more difficult to manage, while I hide my true feelings within and put up an act every time.. It is really difficult.. Thank you for sharing your views and experience.